its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
