there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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