Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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