My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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