Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
