I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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