i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
should my penis look like a turkey
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
