I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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