He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I am midnight drunk by noon
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
