the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
