My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
