first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
