I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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