Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
