Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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