He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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