if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
