My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
