Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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