Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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