Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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