The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
