Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
