I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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