Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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