did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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