I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
