I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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