She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
worst night to have a conscience
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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