Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
