there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
