I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
someone threw a dead crab at me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
