I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
