you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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