I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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