Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
