He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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