Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
