the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
