please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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