apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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