he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
