Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
