The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
