So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
