I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
