At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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