I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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