also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
