Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
