Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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