just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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