Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
