The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I smell like Dick and happiness
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
