I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Randomize
