Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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