Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
