My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
