You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
